so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
