Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
