Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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