i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
