smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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