I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
