I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
