my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh god it's open bar.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
