I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
