i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize