i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fuck me I smell like cheese
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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