I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
