i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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