we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
