They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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