he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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