I'm sorry my penis didn't work
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
