You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
