I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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