My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
