i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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