Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
