as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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