Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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