____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You ruined the universe
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
