How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
