Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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