Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
