If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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