remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
