You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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