If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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