I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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