12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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