This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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