South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
