i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All I want is dick and wine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
