Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
