she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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