I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I need water and some morals
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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