I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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