we're blogging at a bar
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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