shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
