I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
