he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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