girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
