I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
