He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
