Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
