:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
