He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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