im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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