my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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