i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
