Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
