They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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