Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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