She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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