i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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